:: informantspies ::

:: Wednesday, June 04, 2008 ::

Late Night Stroll

Last weekend I had birthday drinks to attend for a friend who I met many moons ago in Edinburgh. It was all quite civilised (a rarity for me) however was a good opportunity to do some networking. Networking down here has become even more pertinent as some friends are moving back to Sydney sooner than expected. Anyway when it was time for my departure I thought to myself I don't really have the funds to be wasting it on a taxi and 'fuck it, it's not that late' as it wasn't quite 1 in the morning and I knew it would only be a couple of hours walk. Luckily I had my ipod on my person so I had a ready made sound track to while the time pass. When I arrived at the pub my pod had just started Bright Eyes so I took it back to the start when I left.I have close enough to 7,000 songs on there and it was purely on random and from the first step to me arriving at my doorstep in just under two hours walking through a thick cloud in the middle of the night I couldn't have been prepared for the next two hours of SOLID GOLD HITS that kept coming hitting my ear (the bad one can only hear bits and pieces remember).
Roll Call....
Lover I Don't Have To Love- Bright Eyes
Watch Me Jumpstart – Guided By Voices
Apiril Anne – Okkervil River
Spying On The Spies – Portastatic
Mirrorful - Jawbox
Call Collect To NYC - Heatmiser
Underneath – True Love Always
Southern Anthem – Iron & Wine
Say Yes To Michigan – Sufjan Stevens
747 – Simon Joyner
All The X's Have Wings - Helium
The Whole Of The Law – Yo La Tengo
Androgynous Mind – Sonic Youth
Like Cockatoos – The Cure
Not Even Jail - Interpol
Oh Comely – Jeff Mangum
In Sarah, Mencken, Christ and Beethoven There Were Women And Men- Tortoise
Back To The Bridges – Black Taj
Twenties In The Eighties – Roam the Hello Clouds
The Sun Hightlights The Lack In Each Other- Palace
Yeah It's Beautiful Here Too - Superchunk

:: Simon 12:19 PM [+] ::
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The Relocation Blues
The move down from Newcastle has been much tougher than I anticipated. The Melbourne rental market is totally up the shit at the moment and every house is getting dozens of people looking. Advertising on boards, outside of popular places like Readings in Carlton have more people looking for a room than people looking for a housemate. In spite of this though I am being well looked after by friends down near Frankston. The travel isn’t too much of an issue either as it allows me plenty of time to read my book Dance, Dance, Dance by Haruki Murakami which is fucking amazing. So far I have looked at a couple of places and emailed about a whole bunch more. Saw a place on Sunday in East Brunswick which was an awesome location but it was a bit of a shithole and I would have lived with some spiritual, fruit of the earth hippies. I then looked at another place on Monday night at Balaclava (East St Kilda) which was an awesome unit. New kitchen, big room, car space, friendly girl and the fact that there is two rooms available makes it even more of an opportunity to move in
I have crammed all my classes this semester into two days which makes Monday & Tuesday pretty full on. Everything over the past couple of days has gone smoothly though and I have even learned how to do some basic programming. Slight problem seems to be the fact that I am doing an IT degree and so I have gone out and got updated with a new computer and all that jazz with Microsoft Office 2007 but I can’t open any of the files at home because the school has their files only available in Office 2003. About to send an email off about that now so it should all be sorted.
Since moving down I have caught up with friends indiscriminately over the time. Caught up for a beer with Tim O’ Connor on Thursday night and went and visited other friends from Newcastle who have recently opened a tapas restaurant in Collingwood. Unfortunately no opportunity for any dish pigging work there. Then on Sunday after checking out the place in East Brunswick I caught up with Helene for a coffee and then went for a wander through the wine festival on Southbank where I had come in from the end and once I approached the start ran into friends Marcus & Kat. So happens that Kat had been working for the festival and I was lucky to score a free ticket as friends of theirs had not turned up. So I spent the afternoon wandering around sipping wine and soaking in the sun.
So this weekend is a long weekend (Labour Day) down here and there is a killer music festival on called Golden Plains but I am unable to attend as I have a family wedding in the tranquil surrounds of Bowral, should be fun though catching up with family though. Not looking forward to 11 hours on a train.

:: Simon 11:31 AM [+] ::
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How's About A Re-Cap (2007 only)

Albums



1. Animal Collective - Strawberry Jam
I have been a fan of them since witnessing what I thought (at the time) was a shambolic and non-sensical display of fantastic but strange melodies, curious drone pieces and performance art in Edinburgh in 2004 as part of the Triptych festival. Well who would have thought that this was actually their schtick???
On Strawberry Jam, AC nailed the twisted vocal melodies into hummable hooks and the underlying music not too distant from the focus of the song and interweave impressive hummable songs that left you coming back for more. These elements were best witnessed on Peacebone, For Reverend Green & Fireworks. After each of their albums they leave you with a feeling of what exactly will they do next?

2. The National - Boxer

3. Panda Bear - Person Pitch

4. Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga

5. Okkervil River - The Stage Names

6. Battles - Mirrored

7. Wilco - Sky Blue Sky

8. Windmill - Puddle City Racing Lights

9. The Broken West - I'll Go On, I Can't Go On

10. Japancakes - Loveless

Other notables that I enjoyed but you know what not every fucking album can make a top ten...

Arcade Fire - Neon Bible
the Clientele - God Save The Clientele
Elliott Smith - New Moon
Idlewild - Make Another World
Ola Podrida - s/t
Tim Rogers - The Luxury of Hysteria

Those I seemed to have a love/(HATE)/love/hate relationship throughout the year

Caribou - Andorra
Low - Drums & Guns
Modest Mouse - We Were Dead Even Before The Ship Sank
of Montreal - Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer?

Ummm...Better luck next time

Interpol - Our Love To Admire
Seem to continue in a downwad spiral of a lack or ideas or re-hashing once sharp and great ideas to strangle them into banal, lifeless dags in the sheeps hair around its ass.
the Rosebuds - Night of the Furies
Stars - In Our Bedroom After The War
Thee More Shallows - Book of Bad Breaks

:: Simon 10:47 PM [+] ::
...

where you been
squeezing out the banal lifeless rhetoric in which i cant even be fucked to use punctuation so invest in pauses at your own peril cause i wouldnt want you to explode your head maybe try reading without any emotion just one long monotone drawl perhaps imagine jay mascis reading it real slow yeah real slow howzit and also be sure there are no sudden head movements either because we wouldnt want any stephen hawking type affair where you become wheelchair bound and sound lke a robot though that would have its advantages such as the use of the word exterminate from like that rubbish science fiction television prgram that is definitely one thing that i lack interest in science fiction in fact science in general is something that i have had little interest in though i did buy a wired magazine recently guess i got it confused with my usual purchase of the wire not too bad though and have read more articles in it than i usually would in the music magazine similar to kids who are interested in cars i still have very little that actually interests me and that i seek out regularly all in good time is my lifeless banal rhetoric could also pass for bullshit though

:: Simon 9:40 PM [+] ::
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TATTOOS

Always kind of had an idea I would like a tattoo but then the problem I have is a) they're permanant and b) they're permanant. At one I looked at getting this this but then having an angelic foetus for a tattoo is what could be seen as quite disturbing.
Wandering around the 'tinternet' you can find anything (even this shite) but I have managed to find a cool tattoo site where people go to the ultimate price to pay hommage to their favourite band by inking themselves it is now into September when I am actually finishing this post and they too have called it a day. I was an early admirer of rocket from the crypt from a compilation and had heard superchunk in an interview blow hot wind up them. Their hard rockin' punky sound wasn't exactly my cup of tea but I was lucky enough to get their scream drcula scream album in the short time before it was pulled from the shelf due to interscopes problems with snoop doggy dogg at the time. Scream is still a brilliant album even though it is now almost 10 years to the day since I got it (I still remember buying it the same day as SY's Washing Machine).

:: Simon 5:30 PM [+] ::
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CLOSURE

Right now I should be 'critiquing' a sociological article but as king procrastinator I am choosing to try and hear people or possums crawl over my roof and 'critique' myself.
Last weekend was weird for mnumerous reasons. Maybe it was the fact that I had witnessed two fucking amazing concerts (Interpol & Sigur Ros), perhaps it was the visiting of a friend from overseas who came up to catch up for the weekend or maybe it was the news that a band that I have seen more than any other have decided that enough is enough and are gonna ride the dusty trail and head off into the night.
Catching up with Warren was great, stories were told and the revelry was relived. Telling of olden times and the newer adventures. Drink was consumed but we were both off the pace and drank poor amounts. On Saturday night I went to a bithday party dragging Warren along. Upon getting there I was given the news that Purplene were over. Kind of distressing but will get to that later. As people arrived, the general discussion (as we are one to do) was on music, records bought recently or little bits of trivia. Majority of us had seen multiple shows in the past fortnight with Bloc Party, Ryan Adams, Interpol and Sigur Ros being the main topics. It was all quite banal until the rubber gloves and vaseline came out (ha ha!!). Anyway upon leaving Warren made some observations, all your friends are quite good looking, why is everyone in couples? Until the rhetoric of it all me going yes, yes, yes became a mantra. Anyway over the course of the weekend we discussed High Fidelity (book and movie) and made point of 5 best vomiting stories (mine was all over myself at a Mogwai concert after trying to catch it in my mouth one to many times), best concerts and there may have been others. Anyway with the Purps final show in Newcastle this weekend I am going to offer some my favourite Purplene shows. The first time I saw them was with Baden I think maybe the night before Good Friday in 1998 at ye olde Hunter on Hunter.
1. Album Launch for Ruining It For Everybody at the Northern Star. I was the only one to do the double header that had nothing to do with the label or was a support act or partner.
2. The show the weekend before I left to go away and their first with Rosie on the kit at the Hoey.
3. Show at the Hoey on my birthday I think I may have been 25 and they had come back from Melb after playing the 4th time in 4 days so they were a finely tuned machine. I think a toast and rousing rendition of happy birthday may have been belted out.
4. The night Smudge never turned up so they played two sets.
5. With Peabody at the Northern Star where I was only going to watch a band and then come home and afterwards went to a rave and ended up on a 48 hour bender traipsing over magical lands and watch a guy "smoke his age" in about an hour on a balcony in Gibson Street while the sun came up.
6. Purplene, Ukiyo-e & Adam Said Galore (nothing more really needs to be said)
7. @ Fanny's with ye olde Death in Monaro Country where I was refused service for accosting the bar staff. I think it may also have had something to do with trying to get Liz from DiMC to do a karate kick while playing violin.
8. Hunter on Hunter when the sound guy didn't know what he was doing so he went in the front bar and played pool.
9. Bringing up Deloris from Melbourne for the first time in 2000 and me chucking a Ruben Wiki off work the following day to go records shopping.
10. A show with Bluebottle Kiss where some of the said Deloris fellows had made a dash up the Hume and we finished ther night listening to a golden performance of Simon "mushroom in a sea of pubes" Jessup.

:: Simon 10:41 PM [+] ::
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For All The Good It Has Done Me....

Today was the final transition of...What was the point of that! A full time position back at my former place of employment. The joyous roundabout of a destitute life selling steel with very little meaning. Gone has all my energy and zest when I was able to write witty mutterings of passing celebrities and the (b)anal English folk. The joy of travelling and the beauty of language. I now read sociology text books, have a car that is about to completely conk out (give me a packed train going underground anytime so I could follow a pretty face to catch a glimpse of and be hopeful that the pretty girl I saw yesterday at Clapham South will be on my carriage again today), a blue bath with a dribble of water pressure...ok perhaps I have gone too far. Well at least I still have comfort in beer and a guitar now. World stardom beckons. Salute

:: Simon 8:51 PM [+] ::
...

Ok I am going to ignore the fact how long it has taken since I was last here. There hasn't been any further word as yet on Douglas Wood the guy who has been kidnapped in Iraq. I wan't for the war but I didn't march with the 2 million others when I was in London back in late 2003 or whenever it was. I remember that it was bloody cold that day so that could have been a reason as well as not being particularly fond of shuffling. Anyway the reason I bring this up is because last week his plea was aired that went somewhere along the lines of Prime Minister Howard, President Bush, Governor Schwarzenegger please help me! Now a quick rewind.... Governor Schwarzenegger!!! Sorry Doug but this ain't a fucking movie. Your name is not Jenny he cannot save the day or help you because you saw him in a movie. Why don't you ask for John Rambo while you're at it. Then I was advised that Mr Wood actually lives in the state of California. Makes sense now.

:: Simon 1:00 PM [+] ::
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IT AIN'T EASY BEING BEIGE (SORRY SHIT STAINED TAN)

Very quickly, following on from my earlier hot wind blowing exercise into things GBV I found this article about their final concerts on the days of the previous year... sob but all good things must come to an end which I have realised more than some.
I have been housesitting lately which has been great. Looked after a cat who shat where it liked but then again if the toilet has a floater do you just pile yours on top? No so the cat did have a point that once the litter had been used he was gonna do it where the grown ups do but this wasn't some fancy cat like in meet the parents, oh no the floor was just fine for him and fuck me doesn't cat shit stink.
I had a bit of an update in software too last week to version 28.0 which was a little daunting. Spent a bit of quality time with friends and family and got some nice well wishes from the sisters and even Rexy sent his best regards. Bless the little fella got his first stitches 5 of the suckers on his chin. To deadedn the pain he had about 8 needles where Nicole and Lars were crying but Rexy the little tiger didn't even flinch. The toughness doesn't come from our side. But yeah turning 28 makes me feel old (I guess not that I am) but after a couple of big nights I sure as shit looked 28 on Sunday. It's not all bad though...
Having a holiday tomorrow going down to Melbourne (hardly Rome, Barcelona, Berlin or Prague) but cannae wait. Even deciding to stay in a hostel down there just to chill out for a few days. As a friend said last night though you never know Sime you may end up staying there for 6 months like the last place in Edinburgh. I could only wish me thinks.

:: Simon 9:38 PM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER RECENTLY RETURNED HOME
Part 6 : Getting My Feet Back On The Ground

So I had the job selling paper and copier toner which no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get the guy to sack me so I quit after 3 weeks. I had a few irons in the fire and got to an assessment day for a pharmaceutical company but it really sort me out from people there who were fully qualified medical practitioners looking for a career change. Once I got notification that I had been unsuccessful in that I went on to my next option which was my former employer who welcomed me back with open arms not such a bad idea as I know the job and the people. The main problem with going back there has been it makes me feel as though I never left in the first place which is a bizarre thing seeing as I was gone for 2 years. The regular weekly money is a blessing though and I look forward to this new year and seeing what challenges I can give myself.
Last year my resolutions bordered on the ludicrous so I am going to refrain this year except to say I don't really want to stay in Newcastle and I want to spend more time drinking and reading.

:: Simon 10:21 AM [+] ::
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WHATS THE WORST JOB YOU'VE EVER HAD AND MULTIPLY BY 10000000000000

Have you ever received a call from a telesales person trying to sell you paper (white A4 or coloured) or copier toner? Don't feel privilidged that you haven't been fortunate enough? Well I am the poor sucker doing it for a living. I wanted to quit after training but thought better of it as I wouldn't mind getting some money. I was offered the door on the 3rd day of being on the phones after a couple of altercations with the manager who is the most incompetant person I have had the pleasure of meeting. However along with me he hired his wife and a 19 year but told me that he took a gamble on me as I had sales experience. He believes I have the potential to go a long way in the "paper game". Now do I look like David Brent? Do I look like like Gareth? Do I remind you of Tim (ok don't answer that one) but he cannae but fuckin serious pal. He asked me if I had mental conditions because I was trying to get out of driving two and a half hours each way to do a special colour paper promotion? Apparently my cynical (really would I be cynical about paper and copier toner) and negative attitude is bringing the others down.

:: Simon 10:35 PM [+] ::
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ALMOST A FULL (COURT) HOUSE

Got a summons recently to appear in court as a member of the jury. I was first a little apprehensive then I found out you get paid $40 per day as well as fed. I thought there may have been a bit of a career in this. Anyway the notice advised to call after 5pm on the day before and I have found out that it has been cancelled. So many people have said that they have never been called up for jury service and appeared particularly jealous. Not sure how I was picked as I have removed myself from the electoral role due to my absence. Of course you aren't guarenteed to chosen in the panel but I guess there will always be next time. Would have meant I had got the quinella up after my earlier brush with the police line up I experienced in Edinburgh.

:: Simon 11:02 PM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER RECENTLY RETURNED HOME
Part 4: The Race That Stops A Nation

The first Tuesday in November to the average person throughout the world means generally fuck all but now that I am back home again I get to relive the feeling where everyone becomes a "racing expert for a day" because a) they read the paper and their stars say their lucky colour is green or b) they pulled a number out of a hat. I had a bet today to throw money away because it is all about tradition. I missed out the last two years and as soon as I got into work each morning I checked on the internet who won. My dad and friends who keep up to speed sent me an email both years to tell me who they were backing but both times the trains were playing up and I got home too late and betting agencies aren't open that late. However betting in the UK is much different. Here its all computerised and you get the odds at the agency what it finishes up before the race (apologies for my lack of technical terms here). In the UK you get a price written on a piece of paper. So if a horse was 10-1 and you put a deep sea diver (5er) on the nose they would write 50 quid on it. I kinda thought this can't be right the only time I placed a bet. Sure enough though thats how it goes.
It is a common misconception that Australians will gamble on two flies climbing up a wall. Yes Australians do like to gamble go into any TAB or pub and you will find people gambling on and equine, dog, machine or football match of any code. We haven't stooped as low as the UK where they offer odds on who will be the next evictee on Big Brother or any other type show where someone is voted off. We don't have gambling on what will be the name of a child or who will be Xmas No 1 on the singles chart.
John Peel (much admired & well respected BBC radio 1 DJ) recently passed away suddenly due to a heart attack. I listened to his show occasionally but wasn't an avid listener. I did enjoy his festive 50 last year and when Mogwai did a live set I did listen to that as well. I would turn it on sporadically and can remember hearing Melt Banana with what can be vaguely described as something like the Bordoms playing with an electic drill. John Peel comes on and says "fantastic single that". Then he played something from Biffy Clyro and then something by Saloon. Peel's favoourite single is Teenage Kicks by the Undertones and from a rumour of it possible re-release a betting agency alotted odds of 14-1 for it to be the Xmas No 1. A member of the band came forward to say they had no intention of re-releasing.
Well tomorrow all the useless hacks who had ambitions of being a bookmaker and losing or the winners can hold on in hope that for the next 364 days while they are in the betting wilderness that they might be able to pull off another astonishing piece of guesswork or perfect rummaging next year.

:: Simon 11:14 PM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER RECENTLY RETURNED HOME
Part 3: Now I've Seen It All

Just finished watching that icon of Australian television 60 minutes where they had a story on people who love their pets. Now I am not the biggest animal lover out there in fact when posed the question once if I had a nice cute little puppy dog and it could live if I ate human faeces? Sorry but the dog gets it between the eyes every time.
So this story was about how people pamper there pets (dogs mainly) by dressing them up in all different outfits even in pyjamas. Brushing their teeth with chicken flavoured "doggiepaste" and even taking the pet out for "doggiecino"! The question was posed to one "doggie lover" that there are starving people in the world and she replied we are in Australia look after your own backyard. Call me cynical but really get the fuck out of here.

:: Simon 8:33 PM [+] ::
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GOOD NEWS FOR POPLE WHO JUST ENJOY GOOD NEWS

So Slint are reforming for ATP February 2005 in Camber Sands UK. Thats just fucking great as soon as I leave. I think that ATP is probably the best festival going but really when you have to buy your tickets as part of a 4,5,6,7 or 8 bed cabin and I just didn't have enough friends who would get excited about a festival curated by Autchre and watching a bunch of geeks sitting behind a laptop with a few processors and maybe a drum machine to fuck things up a little more. But Slint that golden nugget of a band from Louisville, Kentucky who somehow had a hand in developing both post rock and math rock to a degree simultaneously. Who even Mr S. Albini said "I would pay money to record anything by Slint" who left a legacy of only two albums (one of which song titles were made up of the players parents name and a dog) and an EP of instrumentals and who's members have gone on to be involved in any number of projects all worth their salt well maybe apart from Zwan. Slint...Slint...fucking Slint. Spiderland - where to begin apart from aaaah it's kind of good. Recorded by Brian Paulson front cover phto taken by Will Oldham. How can an someting only have six songs and still be classed as an album? If this only had the first minute of Breadcrumb Trail or Don...Aman it still should be calssed as an album. This is Slint and they are reforming. Fuck the Pixies we are talking about Slint.

:: Simon 4:45 PM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER RECENTLY RETURNED HOME
Part 2: Strange Goings

"I'm common as mook and boring as fook" was my common response (with some well received coaching) after the repeatedly phrased oh my god you're so eccentric or you're so funny whilst I was away especially living in the hostel and on my final travels. Come to think it probably didn't help but it was a way of getting the message across.
I have been having some weird dreams since returning, usually I don't remember my dreams at all but have they been really fucked up and hard not to forget. I had a dream when I first arrived and was only sleeping about 4 hours a day due to jetlag that I tried heroin. I was hanging out with a friend from Fife who had told me he tried it a few times when he was a wee laddie but never got hooked however one of his mates did. I've never been around it and thankful I haven't not because I would ever be tempted but hearing stories certainly didn't interest me. The effect of the dream that everything was hazy and I was very paranoid and shitting myself (not literally) all the same. When I was travelling through Eastern Europe August 2003 I met a guy who worked with homeless people in Bournemouth or somewhere on the south coast and he said that he worked with homeless people many of whom were addicts. He thought how can I counsel these people if I don't know what they are going through? So he tried it. He then described it to us sitting around the common room of the hostel having a beer. He started "you know when your alarm goes off and you were in a deep sleep and you press your sleep button and lay there in a semi consciousness - thats the feeling". We then understood the addiction side to the feeling but then a work colleague of mine at the time said yeah thats true but rmember you are vomiting and defacating in your pants at the same time.

:: Simon 6:18 PM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER RECENTLY RETURNED HOME
Part 1 : Pleasantries

Maybe I am being a little harsh on my use of the word "pleasantry" but it really feels like it so far. A bit of banter to just fill in whilst I get my head around being back. Actually sitting around the dinner table with family over this past week hasn't been too bad as they haven't gone "tell us what you did for the first 200 days" its more talk about a subject and then ask my perspective of it from the other side. For example UK backlash against the war, feelings at Xmas, my different jobs and general travel stuff where I was able to swap stories with the family.
On Sunday night I went to an engagement party for T & T where most people from my main group of friends were so it was quite easy and I was able to do the catch up in one hit. Unfortunately while there I did see my footy team lose the grand final but it was fab to see everyone. When I think about it though it does seem like a bit of a time warp in that not a great deal has changed. Sure there are some different partners floating around but everything seems pretty constant and I actually haven't missed a great deal in 26 months. I got quite drunk and finished the night reciting poetry and falling asleep on the lounge (just to remind everyone back home that things certainly from my perspective don't change). Sunday I went out for breakfast with some friends and met up with Simon Jessop (aka the funniest man in the world I have met) where he told stories of applying vaginal cream to 90 year olds and living with a guy who plays bad trance music (not that I believe there is good trance) on his decks loudly, regularly among other things. Sunday afternoon I went over to Alex & Erin's house where Liam (Erin's brother) who I met in Edinburgh lives too. We went out for some beers and a blether where I fell asleep on the couch on Sunday night as well.

:: Simon 10:07 PM [+] ::
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FINAL FORMALITIES

So is this the end or the beginning? Oh the rhetoric! Excuse me while I get my head out of my arse. 31 hour flight home was not exactly what I was looking forward to, however, I survived.
The last weekend in London was fantastic. Friday night started well when I went up to Paddington station to crack some skulls as I had been charged twice for my train ticket. I didn't let my laconic nature dictate for a change and took matters into my own hands without the use of an uzi. Made my way down to Wimbledon for a final venture into the catalogue behometh that is Argos to meet a friend buying downee cover and pillow cases. Moved her into Kingston flat which to use her words "GRIM - atleast it has a balcony to plummet to a better place" then sampled some of the drinking establishments in the area before moving back up to Wimbledon where I frequented my final Walkabout. 8 pints of Stella and I had to excuse myself home without a trace of memory. I do remember ringing friends saying that I am too drunk to feed the cat.
Saturday night was spent with friends where we went to an upmarket bar in Clapham and had a few coctails.
Up for the flight but not without a few warm up Voddy & cokes. Final goodbyes at Hammersmith station got a little teary but I held it together ok. Got some essential duty free (Jamesons & Lindt) and fucked off home.
31 hour flight, constant stream of free voddy & cokes, a semi permanant kink in the neck all to be topped off when I arrive home that immigration pulls me up and checks through the 70 cd's I have bought in my two years and confiscate a tabla (single bongo) that I have bought as an early Xmas present for my near enough to 3 yr old nephew for traces of hair and veins in the skin. Could have got it treated for $60, I was going to as him how much to surgically implant it in his arse but thought better of it.

:: Simon 1:00 PM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER FINISHING HIS TIME

So it's almost time for adios amigos to the people of the North. Living an endless Summer is somewhat ironic with the state of my t-shirt tan after a final soiree down through France (Paris & Nice), Switzerland (Lauterbrunnen), Italy (Venice, Rome, Florence & Cinque Terra) and Spain (Barcelona, Valencia, Madrid & San Sebastian). While trravelling I took my trusty minidisk player with about 6 disks loaded with on average 5 albums on each. 30 records is quite a few but as my home collection ranks up to in the vicinity of 500 I do feel slightly underdone. So I was thinking whilst lying on a beach one day the 10 albums that I am looking forward to listening. These aren't necessarily my favourites on ther ones I have missed but just albums that I think "Fuck its gonna be cool to listen to that album". So without further ado.
1. Superchunk - Foolish. Whenever anybody asks me what my favourite album is I always say this and I can't even think why as I would listen to it tops once every month. I bought it way back in 1994 on a whim after reading positive things. Every time I put it on I think back to the first time I heard it and where I was at doing my finals and somehow still dig it. I was talked out of taking it away with me by someone who said its a cop out to take your favourite record. The one 'chunk album I did bring (Come Pick Me Up) I have listened to about 6 times in 2 yearsd and I got a friend to burn me a copy from my original so I am not even sure if I still have it.
2. Labradford - Fixed::Context. I have tried to buy more poppy, happier sounding records since being away with only the rare postrock purchase. When I saw this band in 2001 I actually fell asleep sitting down with my head in my hands. I need to listen to the first track for my ultimate in narcoleptic state of bliss.
3. Sonic Youth - Murray Street. Bought this about 6 weeks before I left and they toured Europe upon its release and only came back last month playing Spain while I was in italy and vice versa. Bastards!!! Seeing as I have almost forgotten what it was like apart from the fact I remember that it was (and hopefully still is) damn good.
4. The Grifters - Crappin' You Negative. "Cool jerk, no particular slogan" if I was making a compilation tape for a person for the first time anytime from 1996 onwards Bronze Cast is on there everytime. If you go here this is not the same Grifters that I am talking about. but nonetheless its a funny website especially the KISSesque picture of girls and peoples ex boyfriend.
5. Miles Davis - Kind of Blue. Always has been my Saturday morning album with a fuzzy head and furry tongue with the newspaper, plunger coffee and my cigarettes. I am now a non smoker but this is one tradition that will continue.
6. June of 44 - Four Great Points. 8 songs, 44 minutes where a band doesn't put a foot wrong. Mixing up their own brand of math rock with some experimental touches its just the fucking dogs bollocks. I have lots of stuff by the 2 main guys Jeff Mueller & Sean Meadows (Letter e, Rodan, Sonora Pine, Shipping News & Rachels) but this is just amazing. When I saw them play what seems like forever ago and they introduced the first track on this album someone had spoken to them prior and said that he had or was going to propose to his future wife to it. Wouldn't be my choice but it still is killer.
7. Lambchop - How I Quit Smoking. I used to listen to this all the time when I was trying to give up smoking in Australia but it is an album that suits smoking. Plus it has a song called "The Man Who Loved Beer" and a lyric "all smiles and mariachi, they're playing the waiting game, can I order some cheese dip, a tea & two light beers".
8. Built To Spill - Keep It Like A Secret. This is starting to sound like my 10 favourite albums or even something really retarded like desert island picks but I would be sick of them after two days but this one I think would stand the test. The fact that every song is killer and when I did try and guage my favourite albums of all time this was there. Probably still would be too and so the fact that I haven't heard it in two years not much more needs to be said.
9. Elliott Smith - Either/Or. I have managed to get a copy of Figure 8 over here to keep me tied over. One of the best decisions I have ever made is going to see him play twice by myself in 40 degree celsius heat when there had been an accident on the F3 between Sydney & Newcastle and my car had just been in for some major repairs. Worth every cent I spent and second I sat in my car on said freeway. I still remember walking into Waterfront Records in 1997 and hearing Say Yes. So I bought his self titled instead because I clearly am useless.
10. To Rococo Rot - The Amateur View. My favourite palindrome of all time. Intelligent Dance Music (IDM) is such a gay term to describe a genre. I guess its a step away from chiilled beats or grooves. Again a narcoleptic type of record that I can actually read a book to whilst its playing.
So if you are in my car and I am giving you a lift in the first couple of weeks you will not be hearing these because my CD player has packed it in and my sister has my car.

:: Simon 2:33 AM [+] ::
...

A DECLARATION

I love you more than conjealed gloopy room temperature chicken (with extra salmonella, listeria and the general bacteria attracted to cats - perhaps fleas) & sweetcorn (aka blisters bursting in mouth) soup with a skin on it. Indeed I love you more than rubbery prawn crackers laced with pig fat and Ultimately so much more than 'Special' fried rice. Special of course implying that they have gone to the extra 'special' trouble of buying all the animals from the discount pet shop.. mice, gerbils, rats , rabbits, guinea pigs, dogs, cats, goldfish, maggots etc (from the damaged goods section) and delicately marinading them in the filtered drippings of their leaking U-bend, then leaving the meat to soak up all the delicious juices for 26 days in the mild heat of the sun. Once this has taken place, the careful blending of the meats and juices are injested, regurgitated re-injested and shat out from a great height into the special foil container with the freshly prepared lice. Sorry - rice. BOKE.

That is how much I love you. & also so much to never let you go to the trouble of getting a chinese takeaway again.

Author known - used without permission

:: Simon 8:36 AM [+] ::
...

Dear Simon,

How are ya big guy? You seem to always be writing emails containing absolute rubbish so I thought the least I could do was send you one in return. Not much has been happening here. You know the old addage of 'same shit, different day' yeah well thats the way it is. Been listening to anything good? I can't help but enjoy the new Velvet Revolver album. Man Slash still kicks arse man. Been reading a bit on the US presidential elections hey, trying to get all worldly and shit cause I saw that Farenheit 9/11 with that fast bastard with a beard. Interesting shit!
Actually went out for a few beers on Saturday as a few people were up from Melbourne. Felt weird you not being in the corner, gently rolling from one foot to the other with your schooner in hand. What do you drink these days anyway? So are you thinking about coming home soon? Be tops to catch up for a drink when you get back as lomg its none of that boutique European beer rubbish. Get back to your roots nice and quick.

Cheers,

Now its really not that fucking hard is it.

:: Simon 11:04 AM [+] ::
...

THEY SAID YOU'D NEVER MAKE IT!!!!

2 years. 2 whole damn bloody years. Not seeing any family. Still haven't seen my niece or 3rd nephew. Haven't seen my first 2 nephews walk. Have heard one of them talk and my niece actually spoke to me a couple of weeks ago. Lucky enugh to see some friends and unlucky to miss some friends who were here but just unable to cross paths with. Have been extremely lucky however that I have never been alone. Have made a surrogate family and replaced all you dirty bitches back home with able replacements. Early on in my stay I was on a tube late one night and was talking to an Australian who had been away quite a while and we were talking about being away and he asked me if there is anything I am missing. I said the usual family and friends and he started shaking his head saying don't miss friends make new ones. So that has been my attitude ever since. However the downside is when I was having a drink with a Scottish friend of mine a couple of weeks ago she asked so that means you won't miss us when you go back home. I tried to explain that it is different in that leaving Australia because I knew I was going home I could put them on the back burner if you will. However leaving here the close friends I have made I will always attempt to keep in contact with as I know I may not see them for a bloody long time or ever.
So I am still trying to decide what I want to do. Travel aroung the Uk or the mediterranean? Spain or the Isle of Skye? Worst things I have been worried about is re-entry as my visa has expired so I rang an information number on visas on Monday and when I explained my visa had expired the previous day the lady so politely says "so you are here illegally then!!!"
Nice, put me in a detention centre with smelly arabs then you dirty bitch.
The balancing act is starting to take shape, a really wobbly one at that. Starting to realise that I am a richer bastard than I thought I was.
At the end of it all I still cannae wait to get back and have a wee blether with my gadgies. Get fucking steamin' and blow some nice refreshishing hot wind up each others arses telling them Nah mate, I missed you more!!!!

:: Simon 10:34 PM [+] ::
...

PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN EDINBURGH
Part 6 : Pub Ping-Pong
 
With only a few weeks left I am starting to realise the need to get out and do as much exploration as possible so when a friend of mine asks "do you wanna fuck shit up?" there really can only be one response. The proposal was of Pub Ping-Pong (PP-P) where you have one different drink at as many bars as possible in one night. I am now going to give you a run down of the events of this night.PP-P is best done in small groups otherwise people are too slow or may complain about the coice of drinking establishments. This time there were only 2 of us.
Bar #1 - Central was the initial meeting place. I had a quick stop off for a pint at another bar prior to meet friends from the hostel on their own pub crawl. The bar was quite trendy to be honest filled with Edinburgh scenestars.1st official drink though for myself was Budvar, a crisp Czech beer whilst Ellie had a Paul Weller. This would be the only time of the night where we had something different.
Bar #2 - A short walk to Native State where they have £1 shots at the bar so we quickly had a B52 and an Ice Green before making a quick getaway. Conversation at this point was mainly where the objectives and points of arrival and departure lie. Grassmarket? Lothian Road? George Street?
Bar #3 -  My companion for the evening is an Edinburgh local so when she says I wanna go to this dodgy looking place that I have never had a drink at I start to get a true sense of what PP-P is all about. So off to the Captains Bar we went. Gin & Tonic was the order and it was a small bar catering to a mix of alcoholics and elderly locals. We got a position at the end of the bar and sat down with our drink when Ellie was asked "Ya pal isn't English is he?". No he is Australian, why? Then this man made a motion of slitting his throat. "Right Eleanor drink up and lets get the fuck out of here" were the words that I used.
Bar #4 - Royal Oak which is possibly the smallest bar I have ever been to. Gin & Bitter Lemon quenched our thirsts with some Bob Dylan type guy in the corner playing songs. Met some fine upstanding Edinburgh locals who looked as though they were from the homeless shelter close by asked if Ellie was my girlfriend. No she is all yours. Then after copping a sharp dagger and her copping some cheesy banter it was off again.
Bar #5 -  After our two recent dodgy endeavours we head across Nicholson street to Biblos which was back to a higher standard of bar and getting a leather seat was also appreciated as it hadn't soaked up a 1000 pints being spilt into it. Bacardi, Lime & Soda is what we had here I think.
Bar #6 - Heading down South Bridge we were unsure where to go next. I had never been to any of the places we had been to yet. As we passed the Tron, we decided to duck into the Firken as I hadn't been to it before. A dirty, dirty Reef was drank. Honestly the stuff tastes like Orange Juice. I think I could drink 10-15 of them.
Bar #7 - Finally we went somewhere I had been before. The best way of describing Siglos is the chalkboard out the front where there is a sign saying WIN £100 in amateur pole dancing competition on Thursday nights. Archers Aqua Cranberry and being treated to the delights of most of Edinburghs dirty slapper hairdressing community and Manchester and Liverpools dirty hens weekends as entertainment it was a quick stop. Toilet breaks were having to be administered at all venues now as well.
Bar #8 - Needing to show a bit of patriotism we headed down Cowgate and up to Bar OZ with the front of it painted in the flag of my nation. Cheap Double Vodka & Red Bull and the banter started to become one of bollocks. We were still plotting and scheming our future endeavours and deciding when would be another time to do it.
Bar #9 - Quick step around the corner into the Grassmarket and jumping continents to Bar Salsa and to get into the theme of the place we had a Corona.
Out of all the people I have met and become friends with here in Edinburgh I dinnae think I could ay done this sort of expedition with anyone other than my hostess for the evening so as a sign of my gratitude and seeing as our proximity to the pubic triangle was at best a stumble I proposed to buy Ellie a lap dance. Not realising it was just past 1am none of the establishments seemed to be open so we were unable to follow through which was a dissappointment so Ellie said she was feeling a little peckish so we headed of to the chippy. In my books eating is cheating so I passed but Ellie's eyes lit up like an Xmas tree at the sight of the cheeseburger. I have made the mistake of ordering a cheesebuger from a chippy and it never ceases to amaze that they can have two pieces of what can be loosely described as meat with cheese in the middle wrapped in batter deep fried and given to you can be classed as a cheeseburger. For a start where is the fucking bun? Ellie declined there offer of a bun and had it doused with chippy sauce (a mixture of brown sauce and vinegar) to create an interesting coronary inducing meal that only the drunk would consider eating.
Bar #10 - Privy Council was the final destination, after a constant argument over Ellie taking me the long way there (since admitting I was wrong and it was the quicker way) where we had our only cover charge for the evening. It is like a club place with funky house music and full of toffs but we got a lounge againand had a pint of Stella. Then whilst Ellie was off getting out final drink for the evening a vodka and coke I think I fell asleep in there. That would make it a successful two from two at Privy and falling asleep.
Walked back home through the meadows and had another drink and ended up being yet another fantastic evening. Had to ring in sick the next day and ah cannae wait to do it again next time taking in Broughton Street and George Street and some dodgy places on Leith walk.
Not sure if it could be done back home in Newcastle but we shall see if we can get a small gathering organised.

:: Simon 12:50 AM [+] ::
...

G-B-V G-B-V G-B-V

'I AM A LOST SOUL I SHOOT MYSELF WITH ROCK N ROLL THE HOLE I DIG IS BOTTOMLESS BUT NOTHING ELSE CAN SET ME FREE'

Recently Guided By Voices announced they were calliing it a day after 20 albums or whatever they have released and it got me thinking that another one bites the dust. Bands that I have been into for near on 10 years giving it up. First Pavement then Sebadoh (although signs of a reformation are promising) and now GBV. Winding back the clock to 1995 I bought alot of music on a whim and also read alot of American college music magazines (remember not everyone had an internet connection back then) and at the time I kept reading stuff about a late 30's tunesmith Robert Pollard and a bunch of merry elders going under the name of Guided By Voices so just before I secured myself a job I was on an allowannce of $50 per week and as I hadn't been paid for some time and there was a sale on at my favourite record store in Sydney. So with my extra cash I took myself down there to waste as much money as quickly as possible. In two hours I bought 7 cd's and 2 magazines both having compilation tapes of random stuff. One cd I took a chance on was GBV's - @lien L@nes as it was inconspicuously titled. You are always a little hesitant when the gentleman behind the counter goes great album when he puts the shiny disk in the tray but the fact that this was a double with the second being a collection of songs from their previous five or six albums you really cant go wrong. Now when you put the main siny siver disk inthe tray of your cd player you see there is 28 songs, bimey!!! Then you realise it only goes for 41 minutes. Something not quite right there. But sure enough 90 second pieces of gold (good because the shit songs only last around the same time sometimes shorter) come spilling out. Since buying this I had read that the previous was the best so I bought Bee Thousand and waas lucky to find this to be the truth. This time 20 songs in under 40 mins and some fucked up somg titles like 'Gold Star For Robot Boy', 'Goldheart Mountain Top Queen Directory', 'Kicker of Elves' and my favourite 'I Am A Scientist'. I went on to buy their next 3 records and haven't bought anything since Mag Earwhig which was a touch dissappointing. Considering since 2001 they have release an album a year it is not bad going. Last Xmas I bought their best of ingeniously titled 'Human Amusements at Hourly Rates'. Not really one to go for best ofs myself but fucking cracking noetheless. Was even (un)lucky enough to see them in Sydney in March 2000. Watching a man over 40 years of age bring out a setlist on an A3 piece of paper with 45 songs on it doing high kicks above his head, pouring beer on himself, rolling around on the ground and neveer missing a beat was pretty impressive. Even better was the guitarist who by the end was drinking bourbon straight out of the bottle, unable to play guitar only yelling rock into the microphone. Seeing that show whenever they played an old song even a friend who came along would comment 'that weren't bad' as opposed to the songs they were playing from their then most recent album Do The Collapse which were rubbish.

:: Simon 10:04 AM [+] ::
...

PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN EDINBURGH
Part 5: Meeting A Genius

"For fucks fucking sake will you fuck off because you give me the fucking shits" and who said I could not teach English. If you have read my earlier stories about learning the brutal English language and hearing my oh so eloquent usage of it you will know its not the easiest thing to grasp. About 2 months ago a funny looking skinny Italian with short dreadocks (Genius Marco) strongly resembling a 70's tennis player walked through the doors of the hostel I live in. He came with another man known only as Marco hence they became Marco and Marco. After over hearing some of their early forays into English like the challenging "Mary went to the shops" in slow broken English. Then trying to pick out the verb, the noun and the adjective. After a week in Edinburgh (Edinboro in Italian) I took them out for a beer to one of my cheap haunts known only as 'the Tron'. Here 'genius' attempted to explain to me in his 3 day English that he went to Edinburgh on Tuesday I had to correct his most snappy smile by explaining that he actually came to Edinburgh. 'No I went to Edinburgh on Tuesday' he repeated. After some help from Remi another newly converted English speaer from French this time we managed to get genius on his way. From now on we proclaim Simon 'my first teacher in Edinboro' over the next 7 weeks Marco genius under tutelidge from a paid teacher and myself went from "Mary..." to the first mentioned sentence. Whilst Italy were gallantly gong down to Latvia or whoever the fuck disposed of them in Euro apart from cussing in his native tongue you would consatantly here "For fucks fucking sake will you fuck off because you give me the fucking shits"

:: Simon 8:16 AM [+] ::
...

BE KIND TO BADGERS

Over the past few weeks I have developed a real kinship with badgers not entirely sure why, may have something to do with a fixation some friends of mine have. I came across a terribly disturbing piece that you can read about here so my ever busy badger friend found some more stuff. What can possibly found on badgers I here you ask? Well she managed to buy a Badger pillow cover of Ebay for £1.95 which was a right steal. Then managed to find this most depressing poem. So be kind to badgers, only soap dodging Scottish could be this harsh.

When midnight comes a host of dogs and men
Go out and track the badger to his den,
And put a sack within the hole, and lie
Till the old grunting badger passes by.
He comes an hears - they let the strongest loose.
The old fox gears the noise and drops the goose.
The poacher shoots and hurries from the cry,
And the old hare half wounded buzzes by.
They get a forked stick to bear him down
And clap the dogs and take him to the town,
And bait him all the day with many dogs,
And laugh and shout and fright the scampering hogs.
He runs along and bites at all he meets:
They shout and hollo down the noisy streets.

He turns about to face the loud uproar
And drives the rebels to their very door.
The frequent stone is hurled where'er they go;
When badgers fight, then everyone's a foe.
The dogs are clapped and urged to join the fray'
The badger turns and drives them all away.
Though scarcely half as big, demure and small,
He fights with dogs for hours and beats them all.
The heavy mastiff, savage in the fray,
Lies down and licks his feet and turns away.
The bulldog knows his match and waxes cold,
The badger grins and never leaves his hold.
He drives the crowd and follows at their heels
And bites them through - the drunkard swears and reels

The frighted women take the boys away,
The blackguard laughs and hurries on the fray.
He tries to reach the woods, and awkward race,
But sticks and cudgels quickly stop the chase.
He turns again and drives the noisy crowd
And beats the many dogs in noises loud.
He drives away and beats them every one,
And then they loose them all and set them on.
He falls as dead and kicked by boys and men,
Then starts and grins and drives the crowd again;
Till kicked and torn and beaten out he lies
And leaves his hold and crackles, groans, and dies.

:: Simon 5:19 AM [+] ::
...

PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN EDINBURGH
Part 4 : Operation Codename - Excess

Over millions of years man has found many ways of torturing ones self and fellow man. As my time runs out on my overseas odyssey I am going to try and find new ways. Most people know of my penchance for an occasional beveridge but I am taking this to new levels. An example of this was last week.
Sunday was spent playing football in the meadows and having a few beers before going off to watch a bit of football at a local bar. Finishing off the evening at Privy Council who are kind enough to offer £1 drinks on everything on Sunday nights. Walk out at the respectable time of 2:30am.
Monday worked from 9am till 7pm then watched England go down early in the game before burying the Croatians at a local sports/backpackers bar (no not a walkabout). Entered trivia with some fellow hostel dwellers and drinking £2 snakebites before retiring a bit after 1am.
Tuesday night was the genius Italian Marco (who will get his own feature soon) had a farewell so watched in despair as Italy failed again at an International soccer tournament. Went out after to a terrible bar but wasn't my choice. Drank some and played a game passing ice cube between mouths amongst ourselves. Finishing about 2am (ish)
Wednesday I actually had a small bite to eat. I don't eat much anymore as I don't eveer really feel hungry ar tired for that matter. I didn't meet a friend till about 10 where I had my first drink. Now this place we were drinking at Bam-bu I am not technically allowed into (on weekends while security work there). But they are kind enough to offer £1.50 Gin + mixer combos. After a few drinks there and last drinks approaching my entrepid partner in crime and I decided to continue. Medina was the place of choice where more drink and revelry of talking absolute bollocks was enjoyed. After being branded a hateful bastard by colleague on departure I managed to sleep about 3:40am.
Thursday was a little tough at work aas I was being persecuted from pillar to post by customers all morning. Afternoon was much better and Thursday night was fucking brilliant because friends from home Tim & Tiff were in town for a catch up, watched England lose (fuck yeah!!!), then caught up with other frineds from home who have recently married (Jesse & Ness) and we drank at Bambu till we were thrown out (I had nothin to do with it) then on to Medinas again till departing under much the same situation as the previous night.
Friday morning was genius as I spoke to every champion in the UK who had accidently gone into arrears. Afternoon I got home for a warm up then out to a comedy club with some friends. Had a right chuckle and a few drinks before spilling some red wine over myself. Tried to let my friends go out and have a good time dancing the night away but was reminded that I am not an alpha male and hence need to get my sweaty balls out. Didn't really need to have my arm twisted too much to hang out with 5 attractive ladies. Danced up a storm and put my aching body away for 3 hours before having to get up and do a lazy 3 hour Saturday morning shift.
Saturday I have a day off at a friends house watching DVD's eating pizza and pie and only a couple of beers.
5 more weeks of repeat and fade.

:: Simon 3:13 AM [+] ::
...

THE USUAL SUSPECTS

Although there was no sign of Kevin Spacey or Benici Del Toro I have fulfilled another of my lifetime goals. Last Friday I was lucky enough to partake in a police lineup. The police regularly come to the hostel to get people matching a certain description and they were looking for male caucasion 5"8' - 5"10' with dark shaggy hair. In the words of the officer to me "You would be perfect". First thought going through my head was easy money as you get paid a lazy £10. whilst waiting in the people mover all of a sudden it went through my head, what if I get picked? Anyway after picking up some unsavoury characters from the St Vincents homeless shelter everyone piling in were greeting everyone else with the same response - "easy money". After waiting an age we get filed in and the detective gives us the run down of hands behind your back no sniggering or laughing we may be asked for our name if we are we give it. Then the guy walks in and places himself on the end when the detective tells him he can not be in the midlle or on the end. So who has to shuffle along but me. Nice I find out I am standing next to a guy who along with two others assaulted and robbed a guy in holyrood park. As I was in position number 6 I was tring so hard not to laugh it was all a little surreal. Then a booming voice comes out number 5 can you give us your name please. He was silent (something his lawyer had obviously told him to do) I was almost gonna nudge him and say mate they asked for your name. To be honest I didn't look much like hime and he did look like a criminal. But like I said an easy £10 for a bit over an hours work.

:: Simon 5:55 AM [+] ::
...

PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN EDINBURGH
Pat 3 : The Man Who Loved Beer

Kurt Wagner, the modern day Merle Haggard or Gram Parsons penned a song with his band Lambchop that spoke to me in more ways than one calling it 'the man who loved beer' from an album auspiciously titled 'how i quit smoking' which I tried to use as a soundtrack to my own personal demons when I was home. As you would know I was able to quit through will power over a year ago now.
I have always had a bit of a penchance for beer. I am not a fussy man either. Back home I could vary it from Coopers to Old to VB to a more boutique beer. It took me a little while to find a European beer that I could take possession of. I am not a fan of 'wife beater' or Stella Artois as it is more commonly known. Grolsch and Carlsberg which are all lagers Budvar which is a pilsener and Hoegarden which is a blonde beer have all had there time as priority. Since moving up here to Scotland I have discovered to love of drinking ales. McEwens 80 or 70 Shillings brewed flat with a cool sharp taste so you can drink it nice and fast. As I have mentioned the fact that the bar around the corner does £1 pints every day before 9PM makes it not bad either. I went out last Tuesday night and had 8 pints of ale and it cost me a measely £10. Have I developed a serious drinking problem up here of late with cheap alcohol? Well I have never shied away from the fact that I really do enjoy drinking beer. In fact anything, Tuesday night is a particularly pleasant evening out as you get a complimentary glass of champagne at one club so there is one free drink. 2 for 1 on a Monday night at the pub up the road. Happy days.

:: Simon 9:36 AM [+] ::
...

PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

Hostel living where the opinionated and extroverted dominate and quite frankly confuse and annoy. No I am louder and prouder. My home, thoughts, interests and ideas are the only ones worth merit.
Where I can be something like, hi, I can only hear out of one ear that doesn't mean I am listening to 50% of what you say or need to be told twice. That would pointless, yeah.
Where there is an open debate I have learnt quickly to be quiet and conserved (unlike myself) or walk away (very much me). I don't mean to offend but Canadians seem to be the protagonists, Americans the extroverts, French the stoners and as there are more Australians than other countries we seem to cover all spectrums. Australians might live in a land girt by a bloody large body of water but it doesn't stop them/us from fooling themselves into high and mighty. This is all in the confines of how a peerson wants to come across.
I appreciate music as much as the next person and realise the music I listen to is off centre and avant-garde. Since being away I have gone back to my indie roots but at the moment with the flood of post rock releases from some of the heavyweights of the genre (tortoise, trans am and fennesz) plus alot of those types of people coming here for the triptych festival I want to become more vocal in my appreciation. There really is no point on trying to out-know a band or a genre as someone will mention some obscure stuff from there home town in the middle of whoop-de-f@cking doo found on the back of a sleigh being pulled along by idatirod dogs or in the desert stolen from army ants.
What I am trying to say your point of view or opinion n the state of affairs wether they be on whats happening in Eastenders or the upcoming American election is fantastic. Quote from the Washington Post or the onion or the gossip column in the Sun. Realise when you hear that pin drop silence after what you have said that has just made you look like a fool isn't an invitation to emphasise. It is a request to be quiet.
Due to my hearing difficulties I can tend to push up the decibels not through the intention of wanting to get my point across. The loudest person isn't always the most interesting and sought after for what they say.

:: Simon 9:58 AM [+] ::
...

PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN EDINBURGH
Part 2 : NEDS
"NEDS" defined as Non-Educated DeliquentS are part of the former "cashies" for the youth generation. Typically styled in tracksuits or shell suits, kappa shirt and a burberry hat riding high with the fringe sticking out. In the Edinburgh centre there isn't as many as there is in say down Leith walk or even worse near where I work in Fife. Every Friday night I run the precipice of wondering if someone is going to ask me a question, pull a blade or wrap me over the back of the head with a fist full of signet rings and thats just passing the girls. Walking past eyes must be averted head down or buried. There must be up to 20 sometimes more from the local "schemes" where they congregate and drink irn-bru (creaming soda) and smoke cigarettes in a church car park. One night in a bus to the train station I was staring at someone going past and all of a sudden this girl all of 14 starts letting out a tirade of abuse and hand gestures. Classy! But then again I can hear those rings like Freddie Kruger's fingertips running down a rail.

:: Simon 8:22 AM [+] ::
...

If you look at the top of the page you will see and advertisement enblazening google search engines which is not a bad thing but below it has a direct correllation of searches relating to this site. There is no problem here because at different times there has been searches for lyrics and stuff on different bands I have mentioned like Belle & Sebastian also there has been stuff of late for Natural History Museum or London sight-seeing but for a while there they had searches relating to terrorism, weapons of mass destruction and voyeurism.

:: Simon 1:50 AM [+] ::
...

PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN EDINBURGH
Part 1 : Hostel Living

Two weeks in to my newest adventure and everything so far has been a blast. Living in a hostel does have its benefits of a revolving door of a bevvy of beasts and beauties and someone always up for a drink/laugh. Of course there are some freaks here who think that there think that living in a treehouse is a normal way of living cause really...who needs an economy? My tendancy of selective hearing is something that comes in very handy here as well and walking away is always an option.
I am in a dorm of eight beds but not all is bad as I am a long termer they are considerate enough to try and avoid putting people in my room. However another benefit was last weekend where I had 5 girls from West Yorkshire in my room. When they arrived home on Sunday night I was feigning sleep but gave in and admitted I was awake and swigged wine ot of a bottle talked to them till late in the evening.
Other than this I have even managed to do some early sight-seeing yesterday walking up this old volcanic mountain near Edinburgh and giving me a fantastic view of all the scenery and surrounding area. Have tried the local brews at numerous bars but must confess that I do enjoy a particular student bar that is a simple stroll from here which has the ever most inviting £1 drinks between 4pm and 9pm every night! Last Friday night I sculled four pints in an hour of McEwans 80 for the measerly cost of £4.
The job has been a good learning experience and will hopefully help me in any future endeavours of work. For a place where loads of birds work there isn't a great consistency of attractive ladies which can mean I can concentrate on my work. hmmm... let's not think to far outside the box.

:: Simon 9:27 PM [+] ::
...

PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN LONDON
Part 14 : A Fond Farewell

To mimic the words of a recently deceased hero of mine I have said a fond farewell to London and all its glory. Don't get me wrong I loved London and all it had to offer. I used it to my full allowance for the first year or so taking in many bands. To pinch another catch phraseI found meeting people is easy. I made some fantastic friends and was lucky enough to score a pretty decent job where I learned loads of stuff. The time had come to make a move though. In the last couple of idle weeks where I did not work in London I was able to make it to Lords cricket ground and the M.C.C. I got to the Natural History Museum, the National Portrait Gallery and also caught the changing of the guards. All things I probably should have done a little earlier. A couple of hours was spent wandering along the bank of the Thames down towards the tower bridge which when I get back in late July I will go and do in the Summer and also get to the tower of London.
The move was something not necessary but if not done may have left some regrets. I could have tried to find more employment in London or alternatively worked out my time at my previous employer and then left to go home. None of these would have left me feeling as though I made full advantage of my time away any better or happier. Am I happy that I have made a decision to move away? I guess I am but that can be all revealed as I think of more stuff to write. I will continue to add things to this as I have lacked any real desire to crap on of late. I have jotted things down and do intend to relive some humourous stories.
Am I going to start a new pitfalls.... in my new destination?

:: Simon 7:06 AM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN LONDON
Part 14 : Something About The Weather

Snow, such a bizarre concept. Especially as it floats down and in some places it settles, others it turns to frozen ice and in some places it melts on impact. One question. How? Why isn't that guy who used to do the experiments on the Cadbury commercials in the mid-eighties still alive to tell us? It hasn't actually been that cold of late. It was starting to get cold prior to Christmas. Then it was nice weather. Rained over new year. Was nice weather in mid January and then this cold snap. Doesn't matter my coat that I got in Camden last year is officially the bomb. The snow is still there 24 hours later which is pretty cool as well even though the sun has been shining all day.

:: Simon 4:03 AM [+] ::
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OUT WITH THE OLD IN WITH THE NEW

I could do a rant here and now on how amazing my 2003 was but I don't think I'll worry about it. I was lucky to see a bit of the world and some amazing bands. Read some good books and learn to navigate maps. Immerse myself fully in the bohemian traveller lifestyle and lucky enough to catch up with some friends even on the other side of the world.
I also realised towards the end that no matter how much I try and separate my "London Self" from my "Australian Self" they are indeed one and the same and just because my life in Australia is temporarily on hold doesn't necessarily mean that when I unpause the life back home it should all be the same. So that brings me to the point of how do things affect me that are going on at home? Well when I get back (more than likely later this year) I will have at least one extra niece with another niece or nephew due in March. My two nephews will be walking and talking. I will have been on a two year adventure and no doubt will feel a little claustrophobic coming form a city of 8 million to 150,000. Relying on myself to make friends and being quite self sufficient to going back to a kit home way of life whaere everything is there I just need to assemble the blocks and put a few screws in place. Can't say that I ain't looking forward to some home cooking though.
Version 27.0 is upon us next week with this year being much the same as last. A move to Edinburgh though may be just what is needed. Which brings me to New Years Resolutions.
Well last year I successfully quit smoking which was easier than I thought. Remained the same weight throughout the year and did my Summer Eastern European holiday so you could say it was a bit of a result.
This year are as follows....
* Include gravy as a hot beverage. Cause 'Northern boys love gravy'
* Read more and watch less television
* Do the 'Atkins Diet' for 1 week (no beer, wine, potatos, bread, most vegetables and pasta).....easy.....
* Start a cult in which you are forced to sleep towards the East and tape your right eye closed so awakening left eye first
* Procrastinate only on Fridays
* Before making any major purchase ask oneself 'do I really need it and can I be fucked lugging it a million miles back home'
* Attention to detail
* Make a dish from a Jamie Oliver recipe
* Expect the best, accept the worst
* Come to terms with other states than oblivian
Pretty simple really.

:: Simon 12:56 AM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN LONDON
Part 13 : Sights & Idioms

Went shopping on Saturday after a mother of a Friday night where I had farewell drinks and got lost wandering down the wrong street before back-tracking all the way back to where I started and going a way I was sure not to get lost. So I went into Covent Garden for a look around in the cold, wet, depressing and minimal daylight hours. Covent Garden is always completely rammed with shoppers but mainly people watching street performers. I happened to do a small amount of browsing before heading across soho to Oxford Street. On my wamdering travels through I came across the 'Wacky Barber - Free Beer with Every Haircut" well I think I might be getting me some of that next time I want a haircut.
A particular present I bought on Saturday for an Australian friend over here was a book entitled 'How to be British' and it detailed the joys of being here. Things like queuing, dress sense, politeness, the cup of tea and the family pet were detailed in a fantastically humourous way. So much so it was thoroughly enjoyed by all English people at the party. I did feel a little rude pointing out what I found funniest but was relieved when they laughing harder than I was.
Also I learnt something new on Sunday - lucky me - the difference between dinner and supper. A dinner is apparently a formal or semi-formal meal consisting of three or more courses. Supper is less than these parameters and tea is what you drink. This is all of course unless you live in the north of England where your dinner is your lunch and your tea is your nightly meal.

:: Simon 3:30 AM [+] ::
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I was in the car on the way down to the pub with some work colleagues earlier this week when one of them began to discuss a program they had seen on television about how SONAR is killing whales by mutating their brains or giving them tumours on their brains. All of a sudden my colleague says "how good would that be if we could do it to humans? like send out electrical pulses eradicating people at random (she never specified nationalities or cultures and powerful people) and create ministry's of a higher class". At this point I suggested to the driver that we see how good she was at hitch-hiking as I wasn't comfortable to be sharing a car with her.Then she said I would be offered one of the top ministries and I felt a lot better. In saying this we could always get rid of peanuts like Michael Jackson and Garry Glitter.

:: Simon 3:42 AM [+] ::
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I'm A Cuckoo

So last Friday night I was given an early birthday present by friends Jake and Mel. A ticket to see Scottish twee pop band Belle & Sebastian. Support was karaoke madness where you were invited to participate via the website. Some quite debaucherous versions of Can't Get You Out of My Head and Heart of Glass with honourable mentions to the person who sang Babies by Pulp and the winner who sang California Dreaming.
B&S were fantastic. They had up to 12 people on stage for some songs. I can see why they are reluctant to tour Australia as no promoter would get his money back on forking out near enough to $32,000 AUD just in air fares to get them in the country. They played a smittering of songs off all their albums and singles. They even played one of my favourites 'Get me away from here, I'm dying' (quite apt for my time here). Finishing with Stay Loose, I'm A Cuckoo and Sleep The Clock Around, Stuart partook in some tom foolery throwing the mic in the crowd for them to sing and also using the barrier as a tightrope.
I reciprocated buying Jake (well giving him the money) a ticket for Grandaddy on Wenesday night but I passed at going. I was also supposed to buy tickets for Luke & Megan as a wedding present but I never bothered thinking we would just get them at the door. Alas, Wednesday was a harsh reminder of the English winter with an all day heavy fog. They were delayed on their flight out of Glasgow and we didn't end up going.

:: Simon 12:50 AM [+] ::
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IF YOU BUILD IT I WILL COME - Episode 4 : A New Hope

A couple of weeks back I blew this popstand here in London and took off for a weekend of Guinness testing in Dublin. After my previous debacle of missing my flight to Brussels I made sure I gave myself plenty of time for the long trip to the airport. I had had a large night previous finishing in a bar in Covent Garden sometime around 1ish before taking a dreaded night bus and getting home near enough to 3am. Arriving at my accomodation I dump my bags in a deserted room and head out to see if the Guinness tastes any different. Accommodation was extremely cheap and central being only 2 minute walk from Temple Bar (about 30 pubs and 20 restaurants in a 3 block area). After meeting some nice locals and eating a dodgy burger I thought I would have one last pint. Here I met a lovely Irish lass on a shopping holiday from Cork, she tried gallantly to teach me Gaelic but all I remember is "Pogue Mahone" meaning Kiss my Arse. Finishing late and rolling back to the hostel via a detour with only a brief amount of time before having to be up rise and shine for the Rugby World Cup Final. The Outback Bar (how apt) was full so I ventured down the road and wandered into a bar that was nicely divided into English people on one side and Australian/Irish on the other. Just because I was feeling like a tougher than tough guy I had m firsrt beer at 9:15am. The game was fantastic though ultimately we lost. I had met some friendly enough Australians in the bar who suggested we go back to the Outback Bar and have a couple more to drink. On the way I was talking to an Australian girl who had congratulated me on winning. I told her she had got it very mistaken and that I was in fact Australian. I wasn't prepared for the tirade of abuse thrown at me. Talk properly, how long you been away for...blah blah blah. Fuck off was the most Australian reply I could think of but alas that came out like a distinctly English sounding Fock Off. It really couldn't be happening that I was beginning to sound English. My fears were moved aside once I saw the golden Coopers Pale in a bottle behind the bar at the Outback Bar. Trusty Coopers - oh how I miss thee. Later in the afternoon I set off for Trinity College and had a look at The Book of Kells. I then went for a little rest before meeting up with a friend from the previous evening back in Temple Bar.
Sunday I arose with the mother of hangovers. I havejn't had a hangover for about five or six months but I guess there is a lesson to be learned when you start drinking at 9:15am and finish near on 2am. However I had things to do. I gingerly got up and couldn't find my room keys so I snuck out and had a lay down by the Liffey River that flows through Dublin. Post this I headed for Arthur's. On my way there I stopped in at Dublin Castle and St Patrick's Cathedral I finally made it to the Guinness Factory. I had a most informative walk around finishing in the Gravity Bar which has a fantastic view of Dublin. The unfortunate thing about this is I was still feeling too sick to drink and the batteries in camera had gone dead. Once I was down stairs I couldn't afford to get any paraphernalia. I then made my way slowly back to the city centre to catch my flight home.

:: Simon 3:02 AM [+] ::
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Next week I go and see Belle & Sebastian (buy their new album Dear Catastrophe Waitress so, so good). Below is an old song but I have always liked it. In fact it's not really a song it's more of a spoken word story. I haven't been able to do any writing of late as my flatmate has had my laptop. Pens and paper don't cut it anymore. Yes I have become a luddite. No I don't need to apologise.

I dreamt I had to go to Mars.

I'm always kidding on about going to Mars for the day, but faced with the reality of it, in a dream, i was terrified.

And it wasn't going to be like a moon trip - there was three of us going, but we couldn't all go on the same ship; we had to go one at a time with a day between us.

I had to go first, and it was the thought of passing through all that black space, all the darkness with nothing in it, and then being the first one to land there, all alone... I knew it was supposed to be all dark around, with just a red surface, but what if I got there and it was light, all civilised and populated and stuff?

So I made a plan. The other astronauts were going to be my dad and my sister, and my dad would come first after me, so i decided when i landed i would just stay in my seat until he got there, and then we could get out together and have a look around and see what sort of things were there.

:: Simon 4:03 AM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN LONDON
Part 12 : Guy Fawkes Day

Over the past week London has been like Beirut or Baghdad. Loud explosions, one after the other firing up the night sky. What's this in aid of you ask? Firecracker night. November 5th is Guy Fawkes Day where everyone goes out and buys there 20£ bag of crackers to let off. Some people are a little anxious hence the past weeks carnivale like atmosphere. But who is Guy Fawkes? Well to put it bluntly he was a criminal who was found under parliament house with a bunch of explosives. Now instead of ridiculing him the English thought what a brave chap lets name a day after him. Now you don't see the Australians celebrating Ned Kelly Day or Martin Bryant Day nor do you see America celebrate David Koresh Day or Timothy McVey Day

:: Simon 11:26 PM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN LONDON
Part 11 : English Music Press

Yesterday, I bought my first copy of NME magazine yesterday since July. You will never believe who was on the cover? Yes, The Strokes with the magazine also blowing hot wind over Kings of Leon, The White Stripes, The Cooper Temple Clause, Von Bondies, Jet and any other bands they have discovered. NME and Kerrang are the only music weeklies over here with Kerrang concentrating on your heavier variety of music. There is also about seven weekly British Teen Pop magazines as well but I don't know or care anything about them. NME claims to be the world's leading source and the one at the forfront of this new rock revolution. Earlier this year they compiled an all time 100 best albums. I actually cannot remember if the Pixies or the Stone Roses was #1 but the astonishing thing was that Elephant by the White Stripes came in at #73 (but it wasn't being released for two months after the poll was compiled) But issue after issue they flog over this hot new rock band all that hot new rock band. I find it much better going to the sites you can see on your left. pitchfork and splendid sites review all kinds of music, tell all kinds of news and do features on bands and musicians from all spectrums. The variety in monthly music magazines here is a lot more diverse and better. Uncut do major features each month on bands like Pink Floyd, Rolling Stones, Fleetwood Mac plus including a free 20 track CD. They skew their standard fare stories to Americana and Alt/Country but without the drool of previous mentioned. Q undoubtedly have the best writers in my opinion I recall back to a feature on David Bowie last year and the endleess gold quotes. I can't comment on Mojo or The Wire as I haven't ever picked them up. I did want to get last months The Wire more for the fact that it had a double CD of 'interesting' electronic, dub and weird beats. The new kid on the monthly block is Bang which is similar to NME only in a monthly format. I have bought this twice and it isn't bad. Better features and more reviews. Still give me my trusty bibles any day.

:: Simon 12:59 AM [+] ::
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A friend of mine who is vegan showed me an anti-meat t-shirt with a picture of a pig that said "No i don't have any spare ribs!". Funny, yes. But not funny enough to make me stop eating pigs which are a very very tasty animal.

:: Simon 2:10 AM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN LONDON
Part 10 : English Television

After a long hard days work I find it a little too easy to sit myself down in front of the television. In the new house I am in we have Sky TV which has somewhere in the vicinity of 100-110 channels including 11 movie, 9 sport and about 17 music channels. Plus on top of this you have your travel and lifestlye, fitness, American sitcom and many many others. Compare this to my old house which had five channels. All those extra channels just means there is an awful lot more rubbish to watch.
I will start with the English soaps Eastenders (East London) not bad, I have watched a little too much I guess but haven't been following since my return. Coronation Street (Manchester) never seen it. Emmerdale (Yorkshire) Never seen it. Brookside (Liverpool) Never seen it. Hollyoaks (Chester) personal favourite, the ultimate Sunday morning hangover cure, not particularly interesting but all the characters are funny and dumb. Commercials during this are also hillarious featuring barbie dolls and classic lines like "What Happened to Your Face?" to be answered "I Fell Asleep Under a Sunbed."
The UK is the home of reality television. Everyone wants to be an A-List star only to be ridiculed in the ever present papers. Currently the "hot" show is "the Salon" where hidden cameras film a hairdressing salon and they get people to apply to go on the show. They also have a beautician, spa, sauna and other guests doing little special things. Last week they showed a guy getting a colonic irrigation live on television. Yes he has a tube jammed up him while water is flushed up and sucked back. Suffice to say he was in a touch of discomfort. They had a girl who dresses as a cat with a tail and gloves with claws and purrs all the time. They also get people who's stars are fading. Last series they had Michael Barrymore who had someone found dead in his pool and he was the prime suspect. But this is what the kids love over here. Another favourite is wife swap. These people either have a death wish or their life goal was to be on television by the time they are 35 no matter the consequences.
It was excitement stations last week as it was the finale of Fame Academy. Pop Idol crossed with Big Brother. Get eliminated over weeks and weeks whilst they live in a 20 bedroom house in Hertfordshire and they are coached to write and sing better. We are now coming to the end of Pop Idol too.
The things I do enjoy over here are the programs in a similar vein to Good News Week. The only difference over here is they have about four of them in different specialties. Never Mind the Buzzcocks (Music), A Question of Sport & They Think It's All Over (Sport), Have I Got News For You (Topical Affairs).
Chat shows over here are generally hit and miss. Jonathon Ross - Hit. Frank Skinner - Miss. Kumars @ 42 - Miss. Graham Norton - On a Slow Decline.
Finally television wouldn't be television witth a belly rumble. English comedy is an acquired taste which I personally love. Bo' Selecta is possibly the funniest skit program I have seen. Dead Ringers is also incredible for how accurately they portray the people they are taking the mickey out of. You all would know about the Office.

:: Simon 10:02 PM [+] ::
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You try to be a good person, you really do. You have a vision. You're not like everyone else, no; you always follow through, you go the extra mile, you tip the extra dollar. You have goals. You have pride. You analyze, plan, and apply. You have faith. You stick to your guns and never let words hurt you. You're an excellent listener and you can always keep a secret. Nothing can touch you. Hell, you've basically got it all figured out. And then one day, out of the blue, a switch is flipped; life hands you your ass and you discover you're just as vulnerable and incompetent as the guy who used to live above you who ate cigarettes for every meal and twice trapped and tried to ransom a neighborhood dog for rent money.
F#*k knows what this means but I read it and thought.....I'll have that, besides that guy who used to live above me also walks around saying 'yep that'll do' and he looks like a plant

:: Simon 2:20 AM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN LONDON
Part 9 : The One That Comes After Eight (Welcome Back)

After a small layoff this award winning series returns with more social commentaries of urban decay in the thriving metopolis that is London.
Since arriving back from an Eastern European jaunt I have moved into West London from my South London dwelling. The joy of living in Tooting is that I was only 4 stations away from the end of the line, so if I happened to fall asleep I could either get a train back or it would cost me a fiver for a taxi. I have been living in Acton town for a little over two weeks and I have already fallen asleep on trains 3 times waking up at Rayners Lane, Ealing Broadway & Golders Green for those who have no idea what I am talking about. So far I have been lucky in that I have been early enough on the occasions I have needed to, to be able to get a tube going back in the homeward direction (Rayners Lane & Golders Green) and it only took me 20 minutes to walk from Ealing Broadway. Also whilst studying the tube map I have accessed for you don't be fooled into thinking that there is an eternity between stations. In the city it is only a 5-7 minute walk between stations. You may also be wondering how the hell I managed to wake up in Golders Green. Well I had an a fight on Saturday with Nelson or Paul (this will become clearer when I do my upcoming special on Cockney Rhyming Slang) for those who really want to know though, Stella (the beer) can be described as either a Nelson [Mandella] or a Paul [Weller] when I went for a beer with some friends in Earlsfield (near Tooting). I don't even remember seeing Tooting Bec. Next thing I knw I am being kicked off the train. I then purposely stood up so I would stay awake only to fall asleep on the bus after getting off at Acton Town so I still had to walk for 15 minutes to get home.

:: Simon 9:52 PM [+] ::
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I wondered why I would only pick up my spelling mistakes after reading something on here three or four times.

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe

Dyslexia is not a crime!

:: Simon 6:49 PM [+] ::
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If you are easily disturbed then stay away from here I have been reliably informed that I will be here for just under 1,487,000,000 seconds but time is running out.

:: Simon 10:56 PM [+] ::
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WHO'S A LAZY BOY

Now I warned you at the start that the updates would be as regular as the Mr Teague ESQ website. I do intend on giving a bit of a travel update but I have been so busy of late with filling in my journal from my travels, sleeping on a couch, looking for a place to live, consuming beer and catching up on some music. Whilst travelling I thoroughly enjoyed re-reading 'On The Road' and am now reading yet another Kunderra book 'The Joke'. One thing I found quite bizarre whilst I was in Prague was how revered Franz Kafka is compared to Milan Kunderra (my personal favourite of the two). You were able to do Kafka walks or have a cafe latte in the FRANZ KAFKA Cafe where as you didn't hear hide nor hair of Kunderra. Maybe it has something to do with the fact he was twice expelled from the Communist Party. I guess that can be a little homework for me. Speaking of home work I am going to be buying a cheap laptop from a guy at work for £120. Will allow me to a few bits and pieces and generally keep me away from the pub. My old dwelling had 13 (I counted) drinking establishments within a 7 minute walk. Now I have to walk a minimum of 20 minutes to get to the nearest, humorously called the Red Lion & Pineapple.

:: Simon 2:18 AM [+] ::
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BRUTAL ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Since travelling, many people who have English as a second language comment that I speak very quickly. This I have generally been aware of but am unsure why. I am also aware of my incline to mumble when I speak, so I guess what I am trying to say is that my english isn't of the highest quality although since living in London I have noticed that I round numerous words differently examples saying France, chance and dance waith 'a' pronounced as in 'arm' and not as in 'ant'. But then I started thinking how hard it would be to learn English. We have numerous silent letters and different plays on letters. Take for example the word 'tough' kind of a weird one but then add a 'r or h' between the 't' & 'o' and you have 'trough' or 'though' where the 'ough' completly changes sound. Both Times!! Now just to be crazy add a 't' on the end or even an 'r' between the 'h' & 'o' of though and you have yet another two new words 'thought' & 'through' and yet again the 'ough' has a different sound on both occasions. Maybe I do think too much or am being a little pedantic but I think that it is pretty crazy. Now imagine you walk into your first english lesson and without knowledge you are given the word 'thought' to read 'te-hoa-gu-hut' Are you being serious?

:: Simon 8:18 PM [+] ::
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SOCIAL MEDICINE
by L.K. Barlow

I detect a little tension, I need some social medicine
so break out the bread soda, make it safe to get to know ya
not bound by this tension, a little medicine, to set me free
now where is the cabinet and who's got the key?
Wheels in my head, they need a little breeze
a little medicine, social medicine, to put me at ease
A sure way to make me laugh, an ounce of inspiration
so come on bring it on in, social medicine
Medicine to help me talk, and put a little swagger in my walk now
Give me verbal diarrea, on and on with god knows who
Help me bond with god knows who, when Im drunk thats what I do, do, do
I detect a little tension, I need some social medicine
so break out the bread soda, make it safe to get to know ya
not bound by this tension, a little medicine, to set us free
now where is the cabinet whos got the key?
Come on bring it on in, bring it on in, social medicine

:: Simon 10:28 PM [+] ::
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ENJOYING THE LOCAL DELICASSIES

Mind out of the gutter peoples! I have been treating myself (not that well though) to some local cuisines which some of you may find (dis)tasteful. In Slovakia I had the standard dumplings in sheep's cheese. It tasted pretty standard and seeing as I had dumplings a couple of days previous there was no real difference with the sheeps goo. Next time you hear someone say or even think to yourself "I am so hungry I could eat a horse" you can take it from me, get the thought out of your head. In Slovenia I had a horse burger made from 100% prime horse meat. This was no PAL or My Dog feast but a fillet of horse steak with three mustards and a ketchup with a little salad to balance. The Verdict I hear you ask..... Not my cup of tea. In fact pretty ordinary. Apparently they are the best horse burgers in Slovenia but I doubt I will ever be back there to find out if someone does it better.

:: Simon 9:55 PM [+] ::
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IT'S A SMALL WORLD AFTER ALL

I remember singing that when I was three at Mrs Henry's pre-school with her on the piano. There was another song we would sing as well but it escapes me right now. I have now been on the road for a little under two weeks and re-reading Kerouac's "On The Road" I am realising the parallels of traipsing across America to travelling around Eastern Europe even though I have a plan and Sal didn't. People may head in the same directions only to take different routes but still manage to cross paths. I met an English guy in Prague on my second night who had inturn ran into guy that I had been talking to at two of his three previous destinations. So I run into Eddy (the Englishman) here in Ljubljana after he had been through Budapest and I through Southern Czech, Slovakia and Austria. He introduces me to another Australian guy who after a couple of hours chatting I realise I met him as I was leaving my former dwelling in Tooting as he was good friends with my old flatmate. Also I met two Australian sisters in Cesky and ran into them again in Vienna after they had been through Saltzburg. Then we were catching the same train south me here them to Zagreb. If this trip had been taken with a friend or a group there is little chance of meeting someone once never mind running into them again and again.

:: Simon 10:11 PM [+] ::
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FOR THE ABSINTH MINDED

Forget White Russians, give the man Absinth. 70% proof all good, all alive. I watched a man have 12 shots last night and live to tell the tale. I myself went for a safer 7 shots. In saying this however, people suggest that you should only have 2.

:: Simon 7:42 PM [+] ::
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HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME

12 long months (for me anyway) since leaving the gallows of Australia and now I head off on Monday for my nest installment. Apprehensivly excited would best describe my current mood but no doubt that will subside to overwhelming joy once on the road. I am taking 'On The Road' by Kerouac to re-read because its been over 4 years since I have read it and I picked it up cheap whilst in Scotland earlier in the year. I hope to be able to draw may comparitve moments to the wandering 'Dean Moriarty' but all shall be revealled in time. I could get really prophetic here but I will save all that for another time or on something a little less public.
So for the last 12 months:
Favourite Places - The Firkin, Berlin, Stockholm, Chamonix, Helgoland
Favourite Books - Unbearable Lightness of Being - Kunderra, Dharma Bums - Kerouac, Porno - Irvine Welsh, American Psycho - Brett Easton Ellis
Tough Books - Shipping News - Annie Proulx
Good Records - Beck - Sea Change, Laltra - In The Afternoon, Joan of Arc - Staying Alive & Loneliness
Good Shows - Fugazi, Joan of Arc, Laltra, of Montreal, You Am I, Sea & Cake, Smog, Flaming Lips, Tortoise
Not So Good Shows - Apples in Stereo, Scout Niblett
Songs That Remind Me Of Home - When the Weather is Warm - Deloris, Souwester - Ukiyo-e, I Think I'll Undo My Tie - Purplene

Rough Itinerary for Eastern Europe - Days in brackets
Prague (4), Bratislava (2), Vienna (2), Saltzburg (2), Ljubjana (3), Zagreb (2), Dalmation Coast (7),
Ancona (1), Venice (2)

:: Simon 9:05 PM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN LONDON
Part 8 : Thereom Of Relativity

An English friend tried to tell me the other day that London is the best place in the world during Summer. Pfft.... But then it got me thinking that when you think of how grim winter is here where you get to work at 8:00am and its dark and then it's pitch black dark when you leave at 4:30pm, coupled with a lack of sun in the sky and general cold, wet & miserable days everybody is walking around with a hangdog expression on their face whilst forking out ridiculous amounts of money for sunbeds and fake tan for no one to see compared to Sydney where a cold day is 14 degrees (7 degrees during winter here is a heatwave). It's not a pleasant time. Then in summer, it's not too hot like a warm day is 28 degrees celsius and people walk around genuinely happier because even if you finish work and are home at 7pm its not dark till just after 10pm so there is plenty of time to do whatever takes your fancy. They all go on their little summer escape to Ibiza or Barcelona or Tenerife or wherever plus with all the parks (or commons as local parks are known) disposable BBQ's, away game sunbathing strips and English people being English whe compared to summer at home which can be unbearable with north-westerly winds and 35+ degree days you get the feeling that once you put everything into perspective London is indeed (perhaps not the best) but in relative terms better than home during summer.

:: Simon 9:37 PM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN LONDON
Part 7 : (I'm Not Interested In) Social Experiments

I recently caught up with some old school friends who informed me of our upcoming 11 year school reunion. I was quite outspoken (i know you don't believe me) in my lack of interest in attending. Apart from the fact I am 37,000kms away even if I was there I would still have very little interest (unless there was free beer) for going and finding out who is doing what. Basically there are going to be a couple of main choices made by people. Now there was about 160 people in my year. So, I would think there would be people who have settled down and found a life partner and possibly started a family. Those who have concentrated on their studies/career and possibly also married. Those that have become the searching vagabond traveller whether it be chained to a tree protesting in Tasmaina or trekking through Nepal. Those that have lived a life of crime fuelling a drug habit that started innocently with a bong at the age of 14. Now I couldn't give a shit who that I went to school with falls into these categories. I gave examples of the type of people I really wouldn't want to see and fair enough I chose the worst possible that sprung to mind but I made the call that they would be lucky to get 60 people there. Maybe I am being harsh, maybe I am being realistic.

:: Simon 4:23 AM [+] ::
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All smile's and mariachi they're playing the weighting game can I order some cheese dip, a tea and two light beers.
Now I have grown up with three wonderful sisters however they are quite fanatical about their weight. So even I am surprised over here when there is a spread of food laid out and a waif like thing comes up to the table and has a crumb and thinks aloud 'I think i'll spoil myself'. Really must people be so contrived and pedantic. I read this morning that the new Atkins Diet Book is second on the best sellers list behind Harry the Post-Pubescent Wizard. I guess it does show the high level of intellect being dealt here that a book that list products with low or no carbohydrates (the body's main source of energy) has to be detailed in a book. Whatever happened to low fat/high exercise. A bit of the old less 'Norm' more Life Be In It'.

:: Simon 1:17 AM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN LONDON
Part 6 : The Welsh Language

I am not actually sure what the dialect is called for Welsh but it should be something like bugger the Irish we are the really weird pricks. Example:

Welsh Address English Pronounced Address
Tai-Bwthyn (Note lack of vowels) Ty-boff-en
Penisarwaun Pen-sar-wayn
Caernarvon Ky-nar-fon
Gwynedd Gwin-eth

Now apparently the rules are LL at the beginning of a word is pronounced as if trying to relieve a '"greeny" from the bottom of the aesophagus, w substitutes for u (sometimes) and y substitutes for i (sometimes).

We are to confirm customers addresses whilst we have them on the phone. Imagine being confronted with this:

Meddygfa Rhyd Bach
Botwnnog
Pwllheli
Gwynedd

Yep. Thanks for your call.

:: Simon 2:32 AM [+] ::
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Most of you would be well aware of my hearing difficiencies what?. However, many of you are unaware of which side you should talk to me on so after watching an old film Julius Ceasar a couple of weeks ago I am going to steal a line and put it on a shirt - 'stand on the left for one cannot hear out of thy right'. The actual quote is for the opposite sides however it will still have the same effect that when someone starts jibbering in my deaf ear I will be able to turn to them and depending on my state (read aforementioned post) and tell them to read the shirt.

:: Simon 5:51 PM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN LONDON
Part 5 : Nurse Thy Weary Head (Monday Dribble)

Hangovers....for all my bravehearted and legendary drinking performances I haven't suffered too bad for my troubles. Many would have witnessed some classic actions of oneself. I have been described in David Attenborough type musings by friends as a new and highly developed species in which his habitat lies somewhere between cushions on a made up floor that substitutes as a bed to being stuck between (the unforgiving) perspex and a metal seat.
Weekend past I intended on having a relatively quiet one. Friday night I missed my train and went down to the local drinking establishment with a fellow colleague where we were treated to the drinking fellowship of the long lost brother of Hawthorn's favourite son 'Dipper' (I am not even gonna try and spell his surname) the resemblance was unbelievable. Saturday I was up nice and early to fill in my form for a visa for the Czech Republic after this I went up to the Oval for a tranquil afternoon of watching some lazy cricket action with some old school friends. Knowing I was going to a party that night and not knowing anyone I thought I would pull out the trusty £95 (yes thats A$240) Ted Baker shirt I bought with my bonus a couple of months ago. After 9 hours of drinking I get to the party and in my inebriated state I comment to the boys I just hope someone notices the shirt. Walk in and I kid you not the first female I met said 'love the shirt where did you get it'. Made my night. Still went home empty handed but majority of the people were pretentious arseholes. I ended up drinking loads of scotch after an all day session and walking home from Putney to the ghetto. Bypassing what could have been a tricky situation with my razor tongue when I walked passed an r'n'b club. I got a little close to them at one stage just to ask for directions. Luckily someone pointed me in the right direction rather than to the morgue. So the gentle 2 and a bit hour walk followed by waking up in the depths of a state post something that my sorry head couldn't tell . To top it all off I had my first A.F.D. in quite a while and also had to watch the mighty 'Poo' go down amnd watch a nine hour pop extravaganza with Blue, Busted, Big Bruvvas, Beyonce, Daniel Bedingfield and some other downright deplorable excuses of talentless........trails off going to sleep....how most of the day was actually spent

:: Simon 10:12 PM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN LONDON
Part 4 : Travel Brings Wisdom

"What is the hot globe in the sky" I overheard people ask whilst cowering in the shadows. "Fear not the yellow ball" i tell them, "I"ve seen a land where it lives in the sky half a day before being replaced by its white friend". Knowing this they rejoiced in the heat. Travel brings wisdom.

:: Simon 11:25 PM [+] ::
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IF YOU BUILD IT, I WILL COME - Episode 3 : FIRST RULE OF TOUR CLUB

With world domination imminent for the friendly fellows purplene (see link left) and their tour this weekend to Melbourne I thought I would recall the time I went down to Melbourne as "merch wench". It was the weekend post 9/11 and the tour was a pre-cursor to their debut album and it was an opportunity for me to catch up with friends "the Deloris Collective" also see left. Up at 4:30am for the long haul down the Hume Highway (officially Australia's most boring road) where a few ground rules were laid out to the lads.
1st Rule : we do not talk about tour club
2nd Rule : sleeping is cheating
3rd Rule : what happens on tour stay on tour
Anyway after a few mandatory cigarette breaks and some hacky sack as I had to get my eye in for the weekend then lunch and frisbee at Albury we arrived in Melbourne late afternoon. It had been a fairly unadventurous 12 hour journey. Dinner, a quiet evening bevvy and then off to the Pony club where I was to ably fill in my duties. Alas there was no table for merch so I did what what I do best, sat and drank. Now herein lies the beauty after about 2 and a half hours of sitting in couches (damn comfy ones too) and quite a few beers I thought I could have a snooze here but what was the second rule of tour club. So I went to sleep anyway. After Bedders rescued my beer I was awoken to lug and then went and met up with said Deloris gents. That night after going back to the Deloris gents dwelling we were joined by a mute and a weird one at that. You know the type that pretends he is too cool to talk and when he does he whispers because he is so uber-cool. Well I got news for him - your not fucking cool.
Following afternoon it was time for me to show off my hacky skills before being joined by previously mentioned Deloris fellows and the worlds greatest kamikaze hacky player. The idea of kamikaze hacky was that the hack had to go at least 5 meters in the air. So when it cam my turn to throw it first nearly got stuck in a tree behind me then when I picked it up and threw it went further behind me. I am still blaming the wind but it may have a little to do with unco-ordination. That night Purplene and previously mentioned Deloris and Braving the Seabed (featuring worlds greatest kamikaze hacky player) were booked to play at the Barley Corn. Where to start, ok there was another band booked called The Junkers who were lucky enough to be supported by there parents at there first show. I hope they never got a second because they were fucking shithouse. There was a massive screen playing the football semi finals and there was a stag night in an adjoining room of the pub with a stripper. Classy. We were promised any food we wanted and the chef will whip it up. I passed because I didn't want to give the bitch of a bar manager anymore money than was completely necessary. I took to my responsibility of being the door person (again no merch table) with great gusto and we ended the night at the previously mentioned Deloris fellows dwelling before driving back to Sydney leaving at 4:30am. How 7 grown men didn't drink a carton between them in two nights is still baffling me. So boys you have a lot to live up to this weekend.

:: Simon 10:18 PM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN LONDON
Part 3 : Blatant Plagiarism & Other Mindful Gap Tales

What an exhausting job I have chosen! On the move day in, day out. The business worries are far worse than they are on the actual promises at home and on top of that I'm saddled with the strain of all this travelling, the anxiety about train connections, the bad and irregular meals, the constant stream of changing faces with no chance of any warmer, lasting companionship. The devil takes all! Franz Kafka 'Metamorphosis' That is what greeted me as I stood on a packed underground train this afternoon. I actually re-read it and made sure David Lynch wasn't standing next to me with his eyebrows raised. Eight trains and two buses every day, I am constantly seeing people of all shapes, sizes and ethnicities. But all that gave way the other week at Paddington Station when in my dreary afternoon state my eyes did a double take. It couldn't be Joe Mangle everyones favourite whatever he was. Some of you may be a little perplexed by this until I spoke to my flatmate who had also sighted him a couple of weeks prior in Victoria Station. So, Joe "aka Mark Little" is just another notch on the belt behind, Noel Gallagher, Jarvis Cocker, Bobby Gillespie and Gladstone Small on my super celebrity spotto wall chart.

:: Simon 6:35 AM [+] ::
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IF YOU BUILD IT, I WILL COME - Episode 2 : A GOLDEN OLDIE
Thought it was time to dig up some archives of a time I would rather forget but many people seemed to find humourous at the time....
Arrived in Munich train station about 10pm then caught 2 underground trains to the outskirts. A fairly seedy area. That was where the fun began. I asked for directions off a person who inturn then hassled me for the next 20 or 30 minutes. I gave him a pack of cigarettes to try and get rid of him but he ended up getting me in a headlock and hold a fist to my face said that we were going for a walk and that we were friends and stuff. He was either really stoned or on smack cause he was pretty fucked up. (I didn´t notice this when I asked for directions) He let go and I started walking with him before turning around and doing a runner. Now we all know how unfit I am and slow for that matter but I still Managed to outrun him. I had my 18kg backpack on a plastic bag in 1 hand and a book in the other.I ended up running up to a car and yelling at them HELP ME!!!!!! I can honestly say I have never been so scared in my entire life. He was still chasing me when I got into the car and then shook my hand. Yeah see ya buddy.

:: Simon 4:46 AM [+] ::
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Hello all, have made some changes as to show off my darker side. Have lost the guestbook but am going to ask Pete Ottery (aka web guru aka webmaster to the stars) if he can possibly reinstall one. Apart from this look forward to some celebrity spotting (your not going to believe who I seen) and my laughable general shenanigans.

:: Simon 2:17 AM [+] ::
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IF YOU BUILD IT, I WILL COME - Episode 1 : THE SWEDISH LIBRA AND YOU

Last weekend (30th May - 1st June) I took my 'Single Cell Organism' tour to the masses. Upon arriving to the red carpet and an awaiting limousine I was whisked off to central Stockholm to meet my hostess for the weekend Claudia. After an afternoon of loitering I was ready for my first 'performance' which was guarenteed to get the punters salivating for more. I actually saw the Crown Princess Victoria which is quite a big deal (she actually propositioned me but I had to explain to her the troubles of the Australian girl engaged to the Danish Prince and all the palava it would cause) before hitting the town. To cut a really long story short I drank loads, sympathised with some Celtics (thats Glasgow not Boston) fans who were on a stag weekend, tried the local sweet delicacies (mmm....sweet local delicacies) and I left said delicacy at around 6:30am. Fair drink seeing as I started at 8:30pm. Post this I entered into what can only be described as a Simonism type affair. I missed my stop after deciding to stay on the train just to make sure it wasn't one further and sat on a bench and leaned against the perspex. Wake up about 20 minutes later stuck with my head and shoulders on the ground with my legs and arms in the air and me wedged between the seat and the perspex. To get out of this I dragged the top of my head and shoulders along the ground (grazes to prove) to try and allow leverage for my hands to touch the ground to push me out. Now I wonder how that would look in the reverse angle, aerial view or slow motion. I thought I was thinking quite straight at the time until I realised I had been paying near enough to £4 per beer which near on A$10.
Slept for about 4 hours before eating the mandatory away game felafel roll then going through a medievil museum, seeing parliament house and the changing of the guards, walking around the old town and having photos taken at other bits and bobs . Bought a couple of postcards and my tourguide for the day bought me a plastic viking hat which I wore with pride. Saturday night was a little tamer with every bar I went to I was warned to take it easy (apparently my reputation precedes itself) what can I say I am world famous. Unfortunately I did no taste testing on Saturday night. Wound up waiting for a train about 2:30am and started chatting with some locals before they start believing I look like Elvis. I finished the train ride signing an autograph Dearest Visha, Keep It Peaceful, Love Elvis Sunday I went and saw this massive fuck off ship built in the 1620's sinking on its maiden voyage before being found in the middle of Stockholm harbour 330 years later. It would have contained some classy living as for 450 people they would have washed twice per year and it only had two toilets (sounds a little like the Glastonbury Festival). However as there was not enough clean water on there they were given rashes of three litres of beer per day. So all in all it was alot of fun. I would just like to say a big thanks to Claudia & Jens for being so hospitable, Col, Emily & Visha.

:: Simon 10:54 PM [+] ::
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Whilst reading my book ' Book of Laughter & Forgetting' by Milan Kunderra this morning my mind began to wander for no particular reason. Does a rhyming poem in English carry the same weight once translated into another language. Are there versions of the English languages fabled limerick in other languages. With any luck I will be able to report on this after the weekend when I visit Stockholm and ask them.

:: Simon 7:39 PM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN LONDON
Part 2 : Finding A New Flatmate

Recently, my beloved dwelling in Tooting, South London, SW17 had a mass exodus of flatmates. Over here there are two main options for someone to advertise a room. The first is via a website for antipodeans and saffas called The Gumtree which is broken up into very easy options north/south of the river and each of those then divided into more/less than £100 pw.
The second option is via a paper that comes out five times a week called The Loot which has up to 75,000 ads in any issue with people selling anything (similar to the trading post) but also offering accomodation from the cheapest share less than £80 per week to luxury apartments up to £800 per week. So some flatmates decided to advertise in the loot , the major pitfall of this is that non-antipodean are only aware of this option (which is a good thing). We had approximately 30 people looking at the room. Some of these created quite an amount of hysterics between flatmates and myself. In no particular order the girl who asked me to spell 73. I had to explain that was the number and all that was replied was 'what'! Two Mongolian guys who were students and din't work wanting to share the room. An over theatrical Spanish guy who was close to tears when he told us that he wasn't going to take the room. We were quite disappointed that he didn't move in cause he would have been a laugh. A guy who rang 5 times cause he couldn't understand directions, after the third call I just told him to head down a different street and take a couple of wrong turns. Once he turned up he communicated in grunts apart from telling us that he had to be in the room the next day. He then expected us to give him the room, until we explained he had to be invited to move in not decide himself when he can move in. We had to be careful though as we suspected he may have been part of the Mogadishu militia.
In saying all that, Gumtree isn't without its pitfalls either with two people saying they will take the room only to give wrong numbers and not bother to contact us. Didn't matter one was a total knob anyway.
So when it comes time for me to move out I know where I will advertise.

:: Simon 2:41 AM [+] ::
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PITFALLS OF A MODERN TRAVELLER LIVING IN LONDON
Part 1 : A Week Of Rock

Welcome to a new series beginning now that will encapsulate all that is good/bad about living in London. My flatmate and I quite often will look at a gig guide and will be amazed at how you could honestly go out every night seeing bands. Last week I put this to the test and here are the fruits of my labour. On Monday I saw the Dirty 3 w/ Cat Power supporting at the Shepherds Bush Empire, now this night will go down in history for being the first time I set foot inside the S.B. Walkabout (the original Walkabout) anyway Cat Power was terrible and the Dirty 3 were pretty bloody good. Warren Ellis description of songs will go down as the highlight of the evening. Tuesday I was lucky enough to catch up with a friend from home (shouts out Dave & Ange) after an afternoon of shopping and a fairly ordinary meal we were lucky enough to see the first of my hat trick of Chicago bands the Sea & Cake. An apt description was made by aforementioned Dave theat they sound like an indie band crossed with cheesy cabaret lounge music. After covering all albums, delving into some rock moves and 80's style prog they left. Second consecutive night of Chicagos finest Joan of Arc graced my presence. Opening up was lesser known Kinsella brother Mike who played his little finger picking Elliott Smithy kinda toons before 16 year olds Charlottefield who were spits out of the colective Fugazi/Shellac mouth. Joan of Arc came on and Tim Kinsellas is one really weird dude, however he can write a pretty shit hot song and I certainly wasn't complaing. In fact they were the best thing I saw all week. When they played me(plural) I was nearly going to wet myself. On Thursday, Califone was the last of the trilogy of Chicagos finest that I was then supposed to see. Unfortunately, the support bands were the worst bands I have ever seen inlcuding the clogs who were labelled as a cross between Sigur Ros & the Rachels. What we got was a bassoon, violin, classical guitar and steel drum. Does the word racket mean anything! A guy from Califone was on the merch table, I went up and apologised that I couldn't keep my eyes open and I could not sit through this any longer. Finally, Friday night I went to Evan Dando, I had a few drinks at this show, it filled me with pride watching You Am I go to town, they rocked nicely then after a few more beers Evan Dando came on to a chorus of one person yelling abuse at him with things like "You Fucking Junkie" and other things that don't come to mind right at this moment. People were getting quite annoyed with this person, lucky he knows how to keep his mouth shut when threatened. Karma has other ways of playing tricks though and just after a chance meeting with Timmy Rogers and him nodding his head while I blew hot wind up his arse I wanted to ask him where he was going to watch the F.A. Cup final but as I stepped off the raised step I was on I slipped over and fell across some stairs and cracked a rib, after leaving immediately I fell asleep on a tube only to be woken up when I was refused the nice person sitting across from me's legs as a footrest, luckily I ended up at Stratford (don't worry I don't know where it is either) I got home at a little after midnight. By Sunday the pain in my side was becoming unbearable so I took me and a book to A & E at the hospital across the road, 4 hours later and a very attractive doctor to look after me I left with some some nice strong painkillers/anti inflammatories. I am still having trouble sleeping, walking, coughing, laughing and sneezing but the good news is that I didn't puncture a lung and it will only be like this for 3 weeks or maybe longer. The pain is mainly being caused by my swollen internal organs that are pushing against my ribs which is causing discomfort. Luckily I have a nine hour bus ride to Glasgow on Friday night.

:: Simon 11:02 PM [+] ::
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Well its been nine months since leaving and I am almost ready to pop - gender yet unknown. Anyway I thought I would use my new venture to voice the gripping moments, the special times, the highs, the lows and how a boring and mundane week is still the same no matter where you are in the world.
So after planes, trains, ferries, buses, 5 countries (Lichtenstein in transit on a train is still counted), 16 books, a few records, numerous concerts and 800 beers (I have proof) I am still alive and am able to relive the great times and the times when you wake up and are lying near proof that you really wish you couldn't remember.
So from seeing red rocks in the North Sea to Ice Caves in the French Alps, Concentration Camps and a wall that divided a city that are proof of times past to botanic gardens, museums and monuments that represent different sides to a country's culture. Flea ridden cesspools to the the finest lounges, mattresses and beds being offered I have been greatly appreciative. Near muggings at fistpoint to a bit of dutch courage and a super burst of speed out of the blocks, not being able to get a decent coffee to learning the fine art of drinking pints and snakebites, 5 reality television programs to Westlife on 4 different Saturday morning television shows simultaneously, Sunday Night documentaries on such rivetting topics as fat admirers, cosmetic surgery gone wrong and bi-curious teens. Learning about erectile dysfunction and other ailments through work. Finally the snowflakes falling around to three hours, eight trains and two buses every day, the friends, the thieves, the beggars and the buskers. If thats what the first nine months has given me to talk about, I say bring on the rest of it.....

:: Simon 10:23 PM [+] ::
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I was evesdropping on a conversation between two French guys at bar recently where I was getting free beer, and it made me wonder how unfortunate it would be learning another language or knowing other languages with one of the communicaters having a speech impediment. Now whether that is a stutter, lisp or something like Elmer Fudd where your 'r' sounds like a 'w'

:: Simon 8:29 PM [+] ::
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Truly inspirational anecdotes for all matters will be forthcoming shortly. Think the wittiness of Simon Jessup and the laziness of Marcus Teague with the oh so real and brash style of Irvine Welsh and you have informantspies.

:: Simon 6:11 AM [+] ::
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